July 19, 2021 --
We, as the commissioners of professional baseball and football in the United States, are committed to rooting out any and all vestiges of racism, white nationalism, suggestions of irregularities concerning the 2020 presidential election, and any opposition to the vital threat to the planet caused by climate change.
We hereby seek to assure our fans, and, indeed, the population of the entire planet, of the importance of combating those who would undermine the Woke Revolution. Accordingly, the starting point of our support for Woke-ism must begin by removing any indicia that we might tolerate the anti-Woke cause within our purview.
Such indicia must include the colors of the professional franchises that constitute Major League Baseball and the National Football League. And what is a better indication of opposition to the Woke Revolution than the color that is associated with the national political party -- the Republican party -- that allies itself with racists, Holocaust deniers and far-right extremism, that is to say, the color red?
Effective immediately, the color red is to be washed out of the names and/or the uniforms of the teams constituting professional baseball and football.
Commissioner Manfred has ordered the Boston Red Sox to change the name to the Boston Blue Sox, and the Cincinnati Reds will now be known as the Cincinnati Blues. And, among other things, Boston's major league baseball franchise will paint the seats in Fenway Park blue, with the color blue to replace the red (so offensive) on the team's uniforms.
Commissioner Goodell, taking note of the prominence of the offensive color red on the jerseys of the Kansas City Chiefs, likewise directs the team to change the color of their jerseys to a moderate blue -- not as deep as the color of the Chicago Bears nor as light as the blue of the Columbia University eleven.
Commissioner Goodell also directs the Kansas City NFL franchise to change its name, presently "Chiefs," which finds disfavor in the Woke community. The commissioner will not object if the Kansas City team adopts "Elite" for its new name.
The two commissioners believe, further, that the fight against the color associated with the Republican party is no limited to the teams of the professional baseball and football leagues. The commissioners agree that their fans, too, must accept responsibility to join the fight against racism, Holocaust deniers and far-right extremist. Therefore, as of the date of this joint statement, fans wearing the color red on any part of their person will not be permitted entry into the sports venues of Major League Baseball and the National Football League.
We also take this opportunity to ask President Joseph R. Biden, Jr, to issue an executive order removing the color red from Old Glory as we should not wish to be forced to remove the American flag from our baseball and football stadia because it continues to include the color red, the color of systemic racism, among other evils. Let the color red in Old Glory be replaced with "the color purple." Long may the purple, white and blue wave over America's baseball and football stadia.
Commissioner Goodell wishes to add this advisory to the joint statement on banning the color red from the teams constituting the profession baseball and football leagues: "I have no difficulty should the Washington football team decide to change its name to the 'Blueskins.'"