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LPR Looks Ahead to 2015

 

January 5, 2015 --

January -- Confident that Congressional Republicans will not oppose Obamarule (rule by executive order), President Obama threatens to shut the government down if Republicans nominate a presidential candidate in 2016.

Acknowledging "perhaps one hundred and fifty years of Republican presidential candidates are enough," the Republican National Committee announces that it will not hold a national convention in 2016.

February -- New York City Mayor Bill deBlasio regrets, at a press conference, that, as a white male, he cannot be free of the taint of "centuries of racism" and announces that he will step down as mayor.

March -- President Obama names former mayor Bill deBlasio his special representative to Cuba.

April -- Sources report that Saudi Arabia has quietly bought up all the world's milk-bottling plants as its hedge against plummeting oil prices. As of April 15, the average price of a gallon of regular gasoline in the U.S. is 85.9 cents; price of a gallon of milk: $11.95.

May -- Palestinian Authority President Mahmoud Abbas is reported to have told President Obama, during their round of golf at an undisclosed location in Scotland, that all a president needs to do to remain in office, indefinitely, is not to hold new elections.

June -- President Obama issues an executive order nationalizing the U.S. media. Industry experts do not expect a significant change in editorial policy at The New York Times and The Washington Post.

July -- President Obama, declaring his independence from Congress, issues an executive order repealing Article I of the Constitution. Asked by reporters if Congress will impeach the president, John A. Boehner shrugged: "There is nothing I can do. Now that the president has abolished Congress, I am no longer House speaker."

August -- On the eve of the 2015 National Football League season, President Obama issues an executive order changing the name of the Washington Redskins to the Washington Obamas.

September --
Delivering his annual address at the United Nations, President Obama apologizes to England for the American revolution which he blames on "a misguided, mean-spirited minority of anti-government miscreants." Adding that he has always considered himself a Fidelista, the president announces that he will issue an executive order changing the name of Washington to New Havana, D.C. (District of Castro).

October -- The New York City Council bans references to persons, living or dead, by sex identity. The new regulation makes it unlawful to refer to anyone as, among other things, "male," female," "man," "woman," "husband, "wife," "father," "mother," "aunt," "uncle," "boy," "girl," "he," "she." The regulation also demands the voluntary surrender of all towels marked "his" and "hers."

November -- President Obama announces that former President George W. Bush, former Vice President Richard Cheney and senior members of the Bush-Cheney administration will be turned over to the International Criminal Court ICC) to face torture charges. The President adds that the names of all persons determined to have been guilty of tarring and feathering during the American Revolution will be turned over to the ICC for posthumous prosecution on torture charges.

December -- President Obama issues an executive order repealing the two-term limit on presidential tenure.

 
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